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My journey

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Senior Contributor

My journey

@Moderator It's pretty hard when I do eventually open up
I remember what happened when I did prior then too a longgggg time ago. I was attacked!!! I am attacking everyone
Hence my song the other day on a music thread.

I don't expect responses and I don't feel left left out I have made it this far on my own and hid what i have been through repetively at times. It does not matter what I do when I don't talk about it I am doing something wrong when I do talk about it I am doing something wrong again




1,096 REPLIES
Moderator

Re: My journey

@Messygirl I can 'hear' that you feel very torn about opening up as you have had mixed experiences. It is really good you started a new thread so that more forum members who want to offer you support can do so. I'm sorry the experience of opening up is so challenging and scary at the moment, which makes it very brave that you have.

I hear that part of you doesn't expect responses. I just wonder as you were tagging people, perhaps the forums can be of some support? What would be helpful for you tonight as well as @outlander's lovely support?

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

Hi @Messygirl im just catching up on the posts you tagged me in on the other thread give me a few minutes to read everything and respond
Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

before the post was deleted i did read it but had to log off- the one of the description of what you encountered. i am really sorry you had to go through that. no one should have to go through that sort of violence ever. 4 yrs might seem like a while to others but those who experience trauma it only seems like yesterday it was happening. it takes time to heal. @Messygirl im really glad your opening up and also have this thread now. i can keep up better on here too. 

you know you could take up yoga again- is that something you would consider? you could join a class or do some at home with a dvd while your daughters at school or maybe you could take her with you and do a mother-daughter session? 

 

you havent done anything wrong by the way, or harming anyone here, it was suggested to create a thread here and many people dont or wont go onto the worry room as its simply a venting thread and i would much rather help you than to just read what youve written. 

 

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

It's not just yesterday it's in my head everyday every night I have so much going on it's virtually impossible to sit with one emotion and try to work on that one then the next one I am completely over loaded

I remember things whilst having conversations with people I take everything the wrong way and am just defensive

First person mh workers look at is the one with care over the child.

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

@Messygirlhave you tried journalling- you can jsut speed write to get out all your thoughts

sometimes that helps

triggers and flashbacks can be really unexpected inclusing when talking to people and without realising it as well. you get defensive becasue of those triggers. its like constant alarm bells and the need to protect yourself and your daughter

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

Triggers can come from anywhere and at the most unexpected times @Messygirl We often put up as our protection device a defence to everything and it is hard for anyone to break through that wall - and we certainly don't want anyone knocking it down as that would mean they would see how much we are really hurting inside. It is easy to say 'don't be too hard on yourself' but with so many people that have gone through trauma know - that is something we are really good at - being hard on ourselves. 

It is also easy for others to say 'just sit with your emotions' but when there are so many vying for space in our minds you just do not know where to start or even what we are really feeling when they are all intertwined into one!

That is often the good thing about the forum and seeking support from others - there are people here who get what that is like without you having to really explain it - when you have been through certain things you can empathise with those going through similar experiences - so reach out as much as you need and people will be here to support you, 'listen' to you and help you work out what is going on for you.

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

I just want to give up inside i am screaming and I can't calm down I have a four year old that is constantly needing me I sat on the street earlier and just cried I feel weak and I don't know how much more stress I can honestly take I feel like there is no way out and I feel like I am never going to get through it I am sick of just surviving I am not living and I am sick of hurting like hell I can't be anyone's friend at the moment I cared about everything I cared about everyone i cared about people. I cry when others are afraid of me now too I just want to explode

Senior Contributor

Re: My journey

All very natural things to be feeling when you are hurting so much @Messygirl Smiley Sad

...and to have a 4 year old needing all your attention that makes it even harder to deal with - you don't have time for yourself and that can make you feel even worse.

It is hard to care about yourself when it feels like the world has turned against you but we are here with you and listening Heart

Moderator

Re: My journey

Hi @Messygirl it sounds really tough for you right now and it is great you have support from others on the forum, however I am wondering as you are feeling so vulnerable and overwhelmed do you have a support person with you to care for you and your child? Do you know what numbers for support you can call like a parent support service or lifeline? Take care of yourself