27-07-2018 08:07 AM
Ello all, i felt i needed to remove the other post. it was on a day that i had to check myself into the crisis center so i ended up DUMPING ALOT of info about my situation and felt i needed to keep it more professional and private haha.
With that said, i am dealing with alot of emotions that i have not had to deal with before due to the roller coaster ride of a BPD relationship of whom the other person does not want to go to therapy at all or take her medication that she needs. They have been professionally diagnosed with BPD and parania. Though the doctor did not want to tell her yet due to triggers she is having. So he told me and it has been documented.
i have made the decesion that i feel is best for me and its been HARD!! my therapist has done a full psych eval on me. I have had many many many tests done and i have PTSD and some CPTSD along with devaluization depression. From what they told me, that is where a person is so used to being shamed, named called, told they are evil, a bad person, a lousy husband, that they end up believing it and living it. I was also told that i am very compasionate and that has caused a "savior" complex.
Following through with the choice i have made is difficult becasue there are so many emotions that come and go. For example, i used to feel angry about my situation(never hated my wife or resented her) and that anger helped me move forward with my choice. then i became numb and confused after more and more trama and fights. then after the numbness came the extreme sadness and heart wrenching pain were my heart is actually aching and feels so sad for my wife, then there is the stuck feeling because of denial, fear, self doubt and questions such as "is it ok to really take care of myself or is that the wrong thing to do?"
basically, im trying to continue on with my choice but not let the emotions of the I HATE YOU SO BAD, PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME! roller coaster ride effect it and keep me stuck. She does not know about my choice and i have been told by 3 therapists not to let her know at all. i have a exit plan but these eotions are killing me.
27-07-2018 03:41 PM - edited 27-07-2018 03:42 PM
Hey there @Lt72884
Thank you for sharing that with us here on the forums. It sounds like you have a lot happening there for you at the moment. Dealing with a lot of emotions and feeling like you're being taken on a roller coaster ride through life is hard.
One thing I do know is of how important self compassion and self care are. I also appreciate what a challenge they can be to incorporate into life, however its amazing to see the benefits from self care and compassion compared to the hardship of self blame and being critical of ones self.
Sitting with you and offering you support to continue to work through this step by step. You've got this.
29-07-2018 03:27 AM
Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. Its been tough. She has made some attempts at her life and authorties have been envolved but she still refuses help. I am even scared talking about it because i have been yelled at, blamed and hurt for trying to seek support.
My wife is such a wonderful and beautiful woman, but her beliefs about me, her un-ability to love herself and take care of herself needs fixin and its something that cant be done while in a relationship. Being in. Serious relationship for her is TORTURE, i am her biggest trigger. After months of studying and reading, i know exactly when she split.
Anyway, praying for the understanding and courage to continue on my path so that we BOTH can heal and be happy.
29-07-2018 08:22 PM
Just saying hello @Lt72884
Your situation sounds complex.
Take care of you.
I had a saviour complex, still probably act of that place sometimes. Self Care is a new mindset I am trying to acquire.
There are many people on the forum who have had experiences that may help them to relate to you.
02-08-2018 01:16 PM
It is complex. I dont even know what emotionaly stable or healthy looks like anymore. I dont think im even stable haha.
thanks for the reply
i have a job interview this friday that i am excited about
02-08-2018 01:31 PM
Just dropping in to say congratulations on the job interview @Lt72884. Wish you all the best with it. Let us know how you go 🌻
11-08-2018 06:05 AM
Thank you. The interview went well, BUT they are taking forever to get back to me haha. I have called and no response. I have told another job oppertunity, that if i do not hear from USbank by tuesday, i will work for them. Granted its a 4$ an hour pay cut, which sucks, BUT i need work and at least they are willing to work with me and hire me haha
11-08-2018 06:05 AM
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