@Chamomile thanks for the reply and questions. I’m not surprised that nobody has put their hand up as relating - it really does sound counterintuitive.
I realised the pattern because I recently started having urges, after a series of long term worries were resolved in positive ways. Within days I was having urges for the first time in about 10 months. That reminded me of something a therapist once said to me and I thought back over the other times when it’s come and gone and it fits, not with the first few years (I started at age 11) but certainly since shortly after that.
The purpose it serves - I’m trans but only recently started transitioning. For all of my life, I hid who I was but also I think I kind of resented having to hide, and mostly resented that nobody saw me. When I was younger and all of this started, I was completely invisible to one of my parents unless I excelled academically- and I did excel - but I wanted her to see me as me and the excelling seemed to make it easier for her to not see me, if that makes sense. My other parent was abisive so not much help. So I think now, when things go well I sort of panic and it feels like I’m goimg to disappear or something... SH is like reasserting my existence.
Not sure how whacky that sounds but it’s where I’m thinking.
How is knowing it going to help? I thinking knowing where the need comes from, I can start to think of other ways to manage it... and even just airing seems to have taken some of its power away, if that makes sense.
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